Found a Funny One

Hey all,

Found a funny one last week. I've been preaching on the Seven Deadly Sins and so I googled "venial sins, examples," and found myself on a Catholic website. Yeah, yeah, you guessed it-- I'm going to crack on the Catholics (the hierarchy anyway...). But- before I do, two things you need to know: 1- I'm married to a self-declared "cultural Catholic" so with that and for other reasons, I do appreciate the many contributions of the Catholic Church; 2- To be ecumenically fair, I'm going to crack on the UM Church too.

So the funny thing? On this site, you can "ask an apologist"- a theologian who speaks on behalf of the church- a question about polity or doctrine (Catholic Answers). HOWEVER, see the posting rules noted below:

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Is that funny or what?! Isn't that telling of the life of the Catholic Church- articulated so clearly, so boldly, at the bottom of some random Church homepage? Basically, you can ask a question-- any question, and yes, you'll get an answer. But that's where your input stops! NO responding, no feedback, no new contribution- thank you very much! "No" is the response to any outside commentary-- even online. Now that's funny stuff.

So on to the Methodists: In reading the Circuit Rider, our UM clergy magazine, a page was dedicated to "Sermon Starters- from Rethink Church," our denomination's latest effort to revive the Church. One of the suggestions was a 'video idea' that came from UMTV where they thought we should watch the series "Church in a Box." As it states so innocently, "a church solves space issue by expanding to a second site, with a worship center in a box..."

Hello?! Bad branding!! Doesn't anyone at the top watch late-night TV? Can I just say "Church in a Box" is even worse than Apple's new "iPad" in relation to women's monthly hygiene! Is anyone getting me here? Because of its off-color nature, all I'm going to say is THREE things: SNL, 2006, & Justin Timberlake. That's all I'm saying...that's ALL I'm saying...

Whoa, Ecclesiastical Catastrophe Averted!

Long story short: Valentine's Day fell on a Sunday and I thought to myself-- a GREAT day to receive new members at Trinity! (Truth be told, it was a bit of a weird Sunday. Due in part to my poor worship planning that one day was: New Member Sunday, Mardi Gras Sunday-- the last Sunday before Lent with live jazz, the final Sunday of my sermon series 'Sex and Sexuality,' Valentine's Day, and-- our annual Boy Scout Sunday. Yes. REALLY.).

One woman who'd planned on either being "welcomed" as a friend or joining as a member was unable to come to our New Members Class the day before. Then, she and I weren't able to communicate until Sunday morning about which she would prefer. ANYWAY, after brief check-in with her just minutes before worship, she decided that she'd go with the "friend" option and join the church on a later date.

Only days later, in reflection did I realize I'd averted a huge ecclesiastical catastrophe! This sweet woman, as far as I know, hasn't been baptized - a "must!" to join a UM church! Uff da! That was a close one! Thankfully, she and I are both well after this near-miss (no lightning bolts from heaven as far as I know), but this was just another reminder to me that as a pastor I can never be off my game-- not even for a minute.

Doing Good for "The Ridiculous"

A couple months ago I got word that my former roommate from seminary will become a DS as her new appointment, starting in July. (In United Methodist-speak that means that she'll move from pastoring a church to being a "District Superintendent"-- as close as our denomination comes to being "knighted." She'll get to participate in meetings with the Bishop and tell pastors "where to go"- literally, as part of the UM appointment system).

She and I have only shared passing voice mails since then, but as her former roommie it's my job to share this news with the world. With this move, we, the outsiders, finally have an "in" to the secret society of the church hierarchy. I felt I needed to quote her in my blog (definitely WITHOUT her permission) with her initial message to me. (If I'd ASKED her "ok," she might have told me "no"...! Now THAT wouldn't have been any fun!) Her message is in response to me asking if she, as a DS now, was too good to talk to me any more since she wasn't answering her phone. Here it is:

"Hey you **** , you know where I was the whole freakn' day?! I was sitting in a *** **** Cabinet meeting! I... have absolutely no idea how the **** I got there-- but I can't wait to talk you about that! It's been a bit of a wild ride the last month.. but um.... I don't know what the **** I got myself into, but I think maybe we can do some good on behalf of ridiculous people everywhere... I don't know... but anyway.. I can't wait to talk to you; but I'm on my way home.. but, umm..driving and talking on the cell phone, which I shouldn't do... So..umm.. I will hopefully talk to you in the near future, but I haven't seen my husband in 4 days, so if I don't pick up the phone, you'll know why. Bye!"

Yeah, if you're reading this blog things are probably starting to make sense why this woman and I were such good roommates. This "irreverent rev" and ol' roommie had just a few commonalities (see also "Why I Swear"). What I liked about her message, of course, is the great, colorful content-- everything that she "shouldn't be doing" as a pastor-- swearing, talking on the cell phone while driving long distances through the mountains at night (admittedly so- but does it anyway) and adds a little innuendo there at the end. It doesn't get much better than this.

Yes, my friends, God does work in mysterious ways. And yes, it's a good day for "The Ridiculous" everywhere.

Cat Communion

I'm about to enter into what no one should ever do in blogging: write about her pets and children. I know, I know... so cliche and so not funny to anyone else who's not related to these creatures... But REALLY, this is a good one.

So the other day we're sitting down for a family meal, with little Poppin' Fresh buns hot out of the oven, and my four-year-old grabs one immediately. He starts tearing it apart and begins (obviously) to mock me (mother and pastor) by pretending to offer communion at church. But he does so... bending over his chair to the floor to offer communion to the cat. "Wanda (whiny voice and twisted face), Jesus loves you." He then proceeds to outstretch his little, fat hand to give the cat the crumpled bread.

To make sure that he's offended everyone in the household, he finishes this act by "crossing" himself. Husband, Jason- the "cultural Catholic," does not find the gesture funny.

Don't miss the photo here of Wanda, our (almost) hairless cat.

Smokin' Poinsettia Leaves- The True Church

So I'm at a budget meeting last night.  Everyone but me is over 60.  We're having a conversation about whether or not we pick up the exact number of poinsettias that were ordered because sometimes those who buy the plants in honor/memory of a loved one, don't actually take them home from church after Christmas.  Then we're left with dead, crumbling plants in the sanctuary.  This is important to discuss, of course, because it will as you know, help bring about the Kingdom of God...

 

ANYWAY, so the 75 year-old starts in about how it's important that everyone who orders a plant gets theirs-- BECAUSE TWO WEEKS AFTER YOU BRING THEM HOME THEY DIE AND THEN YOU CAN SMOKE THEIR LEAVES!  And how we wouldn't want to deprive anyone of that!  Then the 63 year-old and the 75 year-old (this is Dave and Ike, for those of you who want to know..) start debating the best way to roll the cigs.

 

Yeah, these people are my sheep.  And yes, I do believe they are the True Church.  (And does it really matter if they're kidding?!)

I Ain’t Playin’ No More

Anyone else tired of playing church? Last week I decided that I ain’t gunna ‘play’ church no more.

This sounds really big on my part. We’ll see if I’ve got it to follow through. Church structure, hierarchy, committees, strategic plans, forms—AARRRRRRG! So when do we actually get around to BEING the church?! You know, CRAZY LOVE, RADICAL PASSION, and BEING NUTS ABOUT JESUS?

I’ve been at Trinity eight years now. Accomplished a lot—from 3 kids to 30 in Sunday School, a $300,000 building project, over a 100 new members (and about the same number having moved on…). Blah, blah, blah.

But when do we burn with fire? When does the crazy passion show up? When do we get sick of spending our time trying to unsuccessfully fill our vacant ministry or leadership positions, rather than encouraging people just go wild for God’s love for the world?!

Maybe it’s not about Trinity Church or the United Methodist Church, but about me. (Sorry you have to suffer being in my head right now).

Maybe it’s time that I—the pastor-- am about crazy love, radical passion, and nuts about Jesus…And then I AM, they CAN, and I’m not a hypocrite in my accusations…

Whoah, dude.

Lent

Wow. Tacky.

Lent is here, which really means Easter is here—at least for the big Christian outlets like Oriental Trading.

Yes, really.

You, too, can buy cheap junk from China (those faithless communists) to fill your home and church in celebration the holiest of Christian holidays.

Here are my favorite selections:

• Personalized Religious Mint Tins. Fat free. Free personalization. (Cuz faith should be all about the individual and not about anybody else).
• "He Lives" Cross-Shaped Lollipops. 2 inch pops are on a 4 ½ plastic stick. (This is just gross. Have we forgotten that Jesus died on a big stick?)
• Frosted Lamb of God Suckers. (No, I'm not kidding).
• Chocolate Candy Crosses. A nice treat for family and friends. (REALLY?! Cuz crucifixion is just too good to keep for yourself, that you MUST share!)
• Easter Inspirational Paddleball Games (Now you, too, can have your kids whacking each other with another tool sanctioned by the Church).
• Mini "He Lives!" Bubble Bottles. When kids memorize Bible verses, reward them with bottles of bubbles! (Because there's never enough landfill material made by cheap labor!)
• Camouflage Easter Eggs (Yes, army-camo-- wouldn't want to forget your militarization even for one day!)

"Oriental Trading…A Celebration of Faith" (No, it REALLY says that).